I’m starting to wonder if there is a mental process to all this.
Is there a line we all follow, the same sort of process as The Five Stages of Grief for example? I know it’s a bit rich to compare the death of a loved one to a broken limb. Death is permanent – A broken limb is temporary so really there should be no comparison whatsoever, but maybe the shock of the accident and the loss of mobility, and being able to do things alone does cause grief. Mourning for our usual life…not being able to get out and about, not being able to work, not being able to care for our families as we usually do. Maybe an element of self-pity? Actually I think the self-pity is caused by the guilt. Guilt for being a burden, guilt for not being able to be productive. This all sounds very deep I realise, but this weekend has been difficult.
When I first did my ankle in, I felt shock. Mind numbing shock actually. The first 48 hours passed in a blur. There were visitors, and there were flowers and cards. A few days later I got proactive; finished my college course, got some elearning for work done, caught up on important phone calls, made lists, got things done. Then I decided that I would live as normal. I would adapt to my circumstances! I would be the Bitch of Broken Bones. And then my ankle swelling got me a telling off from the fracture clinic. And I finally had to come to terms with the fact that no I wouldn’t be adapting, and I really do have to rest.
So now, here I am. I don’t want to be proactive anymore. My laptop is sitting looking at me begging to get some things done. But my mind keeps saying “Nope, today I’m just going to watch crappy TV and old films”. I’ve heard from others that depression is common in this situation, but I really could do with avoiding that. I think I’m more fed up that my life was just coming together for the first time in 21 years. I was literally days away from starting, and then I fell down the stairs. My job is being held for me, but I honestly don’t know when I’m going to be start! In theory out of plaster in 4 weeks and then into a boot, but until I can drive everything is a non starter. Will I have full strength in my ankle? Will this cause long-lasting effects? Sounds pathetic doesn’t it. I need to concentrate on just taking one day at a time. Me stressing about things isn’t going to change a thing.
Here’s hoping tomorrow is an emotionally brighter day.